Being Nosy: A Really Bad Habit
Fallouts suck, especially when you know that the other person or people did you dirty. Your feelings don't matter because other people tell you things like "That was so long ago, why don't you just get over it?" It's not that you stew in your anger every day, but the fact that when you remember something at random, the hurt creeps back in.
Curiosity killed the cat as the old saying goes. It's been years since I quietly exited some online spaces after being accused of transphobia by a very histrionic group of people. I was hit less hard by it compared to someone else the group didn't like, but it still stung. For the record, I knew people in the group were latching onto gender identity stuff to get away with horrible behavior. The whole "You can't criticize me, I'M X" circus act.
Looking for some kind of closure was a mistake. I was able to find a lot of the group still using the same usernames I knew them by. Others went under new names but I was able to find them due to who they followed, what interests they had, and their typing styles. And some of them just vanished off the face of the online sphere. I hope it was because they decided to pull away from the internet and straighten themselves out.
In a way, a kind of catharsis hit when I found that most of these people lead miserable lives. From airing issues publicly that could've solved in private, to making self-flagellating vent accounts about "growing and becoming a better person" (though I'm biased and find it hard to believe after some of the shit they put me and other people through). It felt like karma delivered after some patience.
But then I saw the account of the main woman who started all of the drama. She's now an aspiring content creator and seems to have a modest but loyal audience. She now claims to be neurodivergent and (possibly) nonbinary or genderqueer, when I was demonized behind my back by her for daring to speak a tiny bit about how ASD affected my life at a couple points. She also spoke openly in group chats about hating trans people and was the instigator of these discussions. The fact that she's now taking labels and running with them as "seeing the light" and being more accepting now hurts my soul. I'll never get an apology for the way she treated me and played nice to my face. I accepted that.
After taking time to reflect, I told myself that it was better to not start anything. My words, just like last time, would be used against me anyways. So why bother? If karma took care of some of these people, maybe it'll do it again. Who knows.
I guess it brings me comfort that at their core, this group will be miserable no matter what. Insecurity, assumptions, and paranoia are the main causes of online discourse, I've found. I forgot the name of the K-Drama, but someone quoted lines that stuck with me regarding this subject.
"You are the type of person that gnaws on everyone around you. You expect people to treat you badly because YOU treat people badly. You expect everyone to be just like you."
Maybe they'll snap out of it one day and realize they need to change, but I'm not counting on it. Someone else can have more faith for them; it's not my job. You can't grow crops in bad soil, but you can take your tools and head to greener pastures.
Bad habits are hard to break.
-Mimi