Maybe it's a sign.
Almost a year since I last used this thing. Crazy. I forgot it existed for a while until I remembered it out of nowhere.
I won't lie, things have been rough. But good things have happened along the way too. My life has taken turns I never expected, and I've been questioning just what exactly I'm supposed to do with my life. I don't have much to show for, but it's my life and that's all that matters.
I'm not smart in any way. I'm only as competent as the person who teaches me things is. But I'm trying to use what scraps I have to maybe start over again. Maybe I can try college again, maybe I can, and should, apply myself more. But I don't really care for hustle culture. Everyone needs time to rest. The whole "if you haven't suffered, you don't deserve what you have/don't get to complain" mindset that a lot of bitter people have in them only makes things worse. The burnout I see all around me every day makes me sad.
I've done some thinking and decided I want to work with money. I want to know everything about it: how it works, what I can do with it, and how I can secure my future with it. I was never taught financial literacy; I wasn't one of the lucky ones who'll get to inherit Dad's business and also live off of a trust fund Mom set up. So I've tried to turn my resentment into motivation, to seek out people more successful than me and learn from them.
The people who actually built something from nothing were a little harder to find. A good chunk of those I talked to already had a leg up (though they'd never admit it). But I just took whatever advice they gave me and moved on. If my mind isn't occupied by studying, it starts making me emotionally charged by dwelling. It's hard cutting off all distractions and excuses, but better late than never, I guess.
For those who might have tried to contact me by email, I don't have access to it. I also decided a long time ago that it's not worth it trying to meet people online anymore. I'm sure there are great people out there; the few I've talked to from here were nice. But with how volatile the internet as a whole has gotten, I'm too burnt out to trust anyone anymore. This blog is pretty much a dumping ground for when I need to drain my brain anyways, hence the name.
I don't know what the future holds for me. It's hard not to be surrounded by negativity. Kind of feels like there's this layer of tar around my brain that'll never crack. But I think things will be okay eventually. I just need to stay focused and breathe.
-Mimi