Social Void, Questioning Life, and Belonging
It's Monday evening and I have a freshly brewed cup of matcha on my small desk. Are you drinking anything right now?
Lately, I've been feeling as if my life's been in a stand-still. My two best friends (both online) have been busy with their lives. I guess I could say the same, but something in the back of my head is nagging me that compared to them, I'm chained. One of them has been prepping for college and has been working on website, email, and search engine projects. The other balances college and also works a part-time job.
Now, I'm not a NEET by any means; I work full-time and managed to build a small life of independence for myself since moving a couple of years ago. I got my job, car, and apartment by myself. My job can be stressful, but in its own way, sales of building materials can be rewarding. I work with windows and doors mainly, and help customers choose what fits their aesthetics and budget.
But after work, there's not really anything to come back to. An empty apartment, some succulents, and my fridge full of prepped meals for me to pick through. It'd be nice to have company, but I can't bring myself to trust most other people. With the dread of money constantly hanging over my head too, I'm avoidant on wandering around because I don't want to spend anything that could be put towards bills.
Opening up is difficult. Making friends when you're older is even worse. Not to mention that being more introverted and having a touch of ASD can add a little to the difficulty, too. I'm going to be 28 soon, yet I feel like a bumbling kid who still doesn't know her place in the world. Connecting with others feels like playing some game where you have to choose the best dialogue option or else it'll all go up in flames. Kind of strange to feel like an alien on your own planet, right?
While my friends have aspirations and are focused towards their goals, I'm in a fog of doubt wondering if anything is even worth it anymore. College didn't work out for me. I didn't grow up in a supportive household. But I'm well aware that change starts with myself. So I'm taking baby steps.
I've always loved tech, and used to take apart crappy HP laptops just to put bits and pieces back together again. I also love foraging and overall keeping my hands busy. I'm hoping to find people in my area who share similar interests, or even new ones that can give me a spark of motivation. They say you are who you surround yourself with, so I want to find others who uplift and support their friends. Part of me thinks it's an impossible task to break out of this shell and make up for lost time (being a caretaker for a sickly mom as a teen and young adult makes you sacrifice so much, unfortunately.) But another part wants to be hopeful that, eventually, something will click.
I've also been thinking about posting my email on here sometime. I'm interested in possibly hearing others' takes and experiences on subjects I write about on here. We'll see.
With the sun starting to set, and some calm music helping to slow down my overactive brain, I think I'll try to give myself at least a half-hour of learning before I settle in for the night.
Thanks as usual for reading, and I hope life treats you folks well.
-Mimi